ASK MISS CROWE...

ASK MISS CROWE… Q: How do you find a good man in Los Angeles when everyone here is so pretentious? Well… that’s like going through your jeans before putting them in the wash and hoping to find a twenty or finding a ripe avocado at the supermarket. If you lived in Omaha I would suggest you just go knock on your neighbor’s door to ask for some sugar, in which case I’m sure you’d be getting a lot more than what you asked for. They weren’t lying when they said a good man is hard to find but every once in a while you’ll stumble on someone that makes you wonder whether you’re in a Nancy Meyer’s comedy. The only advice I can give you is to take risks and to be fearless. Stop hunting for a man; it makes you seem desperate. Once you accept the fact that you are in a city that lost its soul a long time ago then you will have accomplished a feat that most are too blind to acknowledge. This isn’t a game of hide and seek or an Easter egg hunt. Adopt a “laissez faire” attitude and I promise you will stumble upon Prince Charming. Good things happen to those who have a life. So stop sitting around eating ice-cream and watching re-runs of “Sex and the City” and live. Q: What do you say to people who fall madly in love but according to society, their age difference isn’t appropriate? It’s not like you’ve fallen in love with Hitler, is it? Sean Penn and Michael Douglas seem to be pretty giddy about waking up with women half their age. You don’t hear them complaining, do you? It could be a lot worse. First of all, falling madly in love is like a myth. It’s an endangered species practically!! Society doesn’t know the first thing about happiness anyways. Throughout history they’ve murdered innocent people and committed the most atrocious acts just because of skin color. Never listen to the masses because you’ll end up in the gutter. Looking down on a man or woman who’s dating someone younger is pure jealousy. We always want what we can’t have and youth is as fleeting as time so pounce on your younger lover and give all the hypocrites of the world a huge smile… and the finger of course.

BE VERY AFRAID OF THIS FILM

At first, I was open minded about watching "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark." It starred Guy Pearce, whom I respect, and Katie Holmes, whom I feel complete indifference towards. The film was produced by Guillermo Del Torro, who has a brilliant imagination and storytelling capabilities, and the film takes place in an astounding Gothic mansion worthy of selling your relatives for. I put my skepticism aside and decided to take a chance. The previews included frightening whispers from the basement, a disturbing little girl and the cinematography reminded one of a Diego Velasquez painting. So far, so good. Little did I know that my time and energy would be wasted and I would have been better off peeling ten pounds of vegetables or attempting to reproduce the Sistine Chapel in my living room. First of all, the actors either loathed being on set and took the job to get paid or they were taking heaps of sleeping pills. I still have faith in Guy Pearce, so my guess is he needed quick cash and called it a day. Katie Holmes, on the other hand, delivered such a dreary performance that she could very well be a substitute for morphine. You feel tired and numb,not in a comfortable way, I must say. The story is about a couple, Guy and Katie, who are renovating a house that I wouldn't live in since even the driveway seemed lined with evil spirits. The man's daughter, Sally, comes to live with them and clearly she would rather be peeling vegetables like myself. Sally begins to hear spooky whispers from the basement and wants to befriend whoever or whatever is scaring the shit out of her in the middle of the night. Is she completely incompetent or taking Katie Holmes's sleeping pills? It is impossible to root for a child who clearly wants to play hide and seek in Hell. It turns out, that tiny goblins have been haunting this home for over a century and when they get bored they must eat a child. These were no goblins but ugly rats with pitchforks, in my humble opinion. They crawled around like cockroaches and Sally could have killed all of them simply by stomping on them. Of course, there would be no movie if she'd done that.Undoubtedly, no one believes her tale of woe and she has to battle the demonic forces trying to destroy her family. The only problem is that her family is already flying over the cuckoo's nest. Her father ignores her periodical fits of hysteria and focuses on being on the cover of Architectural Digest with the renovation of the mansion. His girlfriend just wants to bake scones and stare at the koi fish in the pond outside and Sally's mother resides in LA, where her nocturnal activities have replaced motherhood. An episode of "Friends" has sent more chills down my spine then this artless tale of vengeful rats on steroids, who want to eat a masochistic child, whose father prefers money over her and whose girlfriend is in a constant state of confusion, due to the tainted Scientology porridge she's been gobbling up...well that's a whole other story. So go ahead and turn off the lights, your computer, your phone or any other devices that emit light if you are anywhere near a screening of this irksome tale about vermin and lunatics. Till next time...

EMERGENCY SITUATION!!!

I sometimes find it amusing listening to people's complaints. To be fair, sometimes they are legitimate reasons and I don't blame them for wanting to buy devices that will induce pain and misery. We all have days when our issues seem insurmountable and we'd like to do some serious damage for our well-being. Life can be unfair and "real" problems tend to strike anyone, anywhere, anyhow. It seems to me though, that in Africa or Asia, for example, their problems do tend to be slightly more tragic than over here, in the stolen land we killed for and now call home sweet home. Tsunamis, famine, AIDS, earthquakes and war are just a few "hiccups" they deal with day in and day out. The following is an actual list of complaints that have poured out of people's mouths. Undoubtedly, I had to swoop up this marvelous list and reevaluate various disasters these innocent victims have to suffer. 1. "My hand is too fat to shove into the Pringles container so I have to tilt it." Really? Maybe someone should yank the Pringles from your greasy fingers and hit you repeatedly on the head. Laziness always astounds me. Society now relies on technology to facilitate everything for them. Remote controls, cars, computers, phones, microwaves...the list is endless. No wonder there's an obesity problem in this country. Is laying in bed surrounded by controls and screens the bright future that lies ahead? Are we destined to resemble Jabba the Hutt's relatives? Step one to dodging this horrific nightmare: get up and start walking,to the store for starters. Remember those two weird shapes protruding from your hips? Once you've accomplished that, then we'll talk. 2. "I didn't have a childhood so I can't turn my pain into art." Asshole alert! Is it really necessary to have a childhood a la Almodovar's "Bad Education" or a summer reenacting "Deliverance" with your family to be creative as an adult? Or maybe you're embarrassed of your childhood because you lived in a trailer park and your Dad was arrested for selling pills to your classmates. Either way, you should embrace or forgive the past because dwelling on what did or didn't happen is a bigger waste of time than watching "Keeping Up With the Kardashians." There's no rule that you have to suffer to be creative. I guarantee you that Edgar Allan Poe would have worked as a priest if it meant living a peaceful existence. Get over your glorification of fallen artist's misery and pain...plus maybe you're just not talented in that domain and would be better off as a baker or used car salesman. 3. "My GPS made me drive through the ghetto." Boohoo. If driving through the ghetto in your Prius is your definition of a bad day then you clearly haven't walked through the Everglades at night. If you think rundown homes and a couple gangsters in the McDonald's parking lot is inconvenient, try walking through the gator-ridden swamps and running into a one-toothed guy of questionable appearances carrying a rifle and a dead raccoon. Try that scenario on for size. What if your GPS lands you in Amish country? 4. "I can't hear the TV while I'm eating crunchy snacks." I forgot how stimulating the dialogue was in "Crank II." Since when do words have more importance than explosions and beheadings? Maybe you should stop eating for a minute or two if it's getting in the way of your education.This person should be thrown in a time machine back to the 1300's in Europe. Drawbacks like the Black Death, religious dogmas and the Hundred Years War would probably also have gotten in the way of his crunchy snacks. First World problems, I daresay. The next time you're itching to complain because Lady Gaga's music video is taking too long to load think about having the plague, while your family is getting massacred outside and Your pet chicken is screaming that the sky is falling, all in one day. What then? Till next time...

SEX! SEX! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

Did you know it's completely possible to be fantastic in bed? Hey, it's the new self therapy people, so climb aboard and trust me, it won't be a bumpy night. In fact, all you have to do is open you ears and listen, which is the best medication I might add. So relax, light smoke, have a cocktail or undress in front of your window so your neighbor can see a little bit of this and a little bit of that. Sometimes your sex life is just fine. As fine as a summer day in the Hamptons but it can also be a disaster but guess what? It's all in your head. There's nothing wrong with you or the people your thighs are wrapped around. Here are a few issues that pull us away from the exhilarating sex life we all want to possess. "I CAN'T DO IT" This of course meaning it's impossible for you to climax, to shoot hoops through the big "O" let's say. You've tried all 529 positions of the Kama Sutra, taken a speed course in tantric love, and passed yourself out like a free sample hoping for a winner.Nothing is working and sooner or later you're drowning in a sea of disappointment. WHAT TO DO? Stop thinking or obsessing about it. Forget about the orgasms, period. Orgasms are like love, they happen when you least expect it. Stop viewing it as as a scene from "Outbreak" where if you don't rapidly find a cure you will die and not even Dustin Hoffman can save you. Let go and please your lover. Get lost in the moment and get your hands dirty. In this case, do not keep your eye on the prize. "I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT" You're sex starved. Two week without sex and you feel as if you've spent your life in a nunnery. Once is never enough.You can never quench your thirst. But then it will feel to your partner as if you're on some kind of never ending crusade. They'll start to feel guilty because they can't keep up and resentments start to pile up and it all starts to feel itchy and uncomfortable, like that wool sweater your grandmother knitted for you in the back of your closet. WHAT TO DO? Normally, you feel a deep satisfaction after making love. A kind of natural Xanax, if you will. But instead, you want more and more, like a drug addict. The more you make love the more frustrated you become. You don't make love because you love the other person but to prove that you are loved. It's a classic case of narcissism. You make love to confirm that you are desirable but you never end up believing it. To get out of this trap, you'll have to learn self discipline. Sorry to burst your bubble but too much of a good thing always ends up losing its appeal, including sex. You will never be satisfied if you're constantly void of any emotion or affection. When you start making love for the right reasons, you'll discover what it is to be sexually satisfied, like Jeff Bridges. "I CAN ONLY DO IT THIS WAY" You think you're sexy but only under certain physical or psychological circumstances. Maybe you can only do it in public,in the stairs or in a parking lot.Or maybe you can only do it in front of a mirror, or with married men, complete strangers, giant, hairy apes or adolescent boy-types. This can be cute once in a while but not on a daily basis. WHAT TO DO? The problem is that you put a barrier between your sexual activities and the rest of your life.You separate your sexual life from your real life because then there is no risk for you personally. Better invest in a sledge hammer because you're going to have to break down that wall.Break the routine and don't fall on bad habits because you're afraid of change. The road less traveled, or the one that seems raided by bats and possessed clown, should be taken my dear. it's scary at first but so is wearing six-inch heels on a rainy day. "I'M TOO AFRAID" As soon as your bumping and grinding in your new satin sheets with someone, all your insecurities come pouring out. You could hate being naked or afraid of experimenting because your own desires embarrass you. Maybe you believe that your partner will stop loving you as soon as they get you into the sack or if you show them how much you want them. WHAT TO DO? The first step for you is to get rid of your inhibitions. Make a list, even. Talk to your partner about your hang ups. You have to speak up or else you'll never get what you want and as we all know, time is not our best friend. Inhibitions are often repressed desires and what scares you the most is probably going to give you the most pleasure. Even if you crave someone to dress you up as a turkey and want them to chase you around with a butcher knife!! It's okay...love is being weird together. Corsets are made to be loosened, whether they're physical, emotional or psychological. Sometimes, all it takes is a little pull and you'll be dancing in the rain, not even noticing that you're soaking wet, muddy and frightening the neighbors. Till next time...

LETTER TO A CONFINED WOMAN

Dear Jane Eyre,

Although I appreciate your morals and discipline, I have to tell you that you awaken in me a violent need to slap you repeatedly. I wouldn't want you to think me a brute, so I will therefore explain my somewhat bitter opinion of you.
First of all, I thought you were a wonderful child, full of sound and fury, never letting anyone step on your toes or belittle you. Fine attribute that every child should posses. Well done indeed. Your education was quite frankly a nightmare and as we all know surviving an all girl's boarding school in England could only be compared to an evening with Jack the Ripper. You finished school quite the young lady, even though you were humiliated, lost your best friend and beaten. At this point, you are as brave as Conan the barbarian in spirit and vigor.
I begin to get agitated with you when you begin working as a governess at Thornfield Hall. Your employer, Edward Rochester, is a mysterious man and could even be compared to the "Beast" in Disney's fairytale. Rochester is a little frightening, I'll give you that, but he teases and flirts with you in such a romantic way that your dress should have been flung into the fire upon your first encounter with him. Well, not in the forest but when he invites you to sit with him by the fire and is clearly, as we would say today, "really f###ing into you." I don't care that religion, status symbols and the rules of society have been your bread and butter until now. You're supposed to be a strong, independent woman Jane!! You've had to fight all your life and now the undeniably sexy and verbally arousing Rochester wants to see you in your knickers and you play hard to get for the entire story. And in Hollywood's latest version of your tale, you immediately succumb to Rochester's undeniable longing for you, especially when it's being played by Michael Fassbender young lady!!
Yes, you're not a damsel in distress and you want to be true to yourself but even the trees and sheep outside are aware of his steadfast desire and love for you Plain Jane. Someone should have given you the Marquis de Sade to read. That would have been far more educational and beneficial than drawing portraits alone by the window or lonely walks in the rain. You must be a sadist somewhere, my dear.
And then you get jealous, in a composed manner of course, when he has female guests at his home. What do you expect? He's desperately trying to get a reaction out of that somewhat frigid mind of yours. You're so confident and pleased with your unshakeable poise buy you don't know how to live.
I love you Jane. I really do. You're a credit to your race, as Woody would say but loosen your imaginary emotional corset. You seemed pale, at least that's how they've portrayed you onscreen, during your quest. You should have drank more wine and frolicked around Thornfield Hall in the nude, teasing your darling Rochester until he was begging for your flesh. You should have shocked the staff with your bare assets and Jane.... allowing desire to crawl up your leg will give your cheeks the natural flush they so obviously seemed to crave.

Best Regards,
A Very Irritated French Woman

KAMILI'S SONG

In the little village of Abala, located in Congo, a little girl by the name of Kamili awoke from a deep slumber to the sound of birds chirping outside her family's hut. She lived with her parents and younger brother. The village was beginning to stir and she could hear some of the other children playing football outside. She smiled at her Mama, who was drinking some coffee from an old, tin cup. Her mother's warm gaze always made her feel safe. Kamili ran outside as her little brother Fumu was gathering the large, clay jugs they would need to fetch the day's water at the river.

Kamili always enjoyed her morning walks with Fumu. They always played chase and competed to see who would spill less water on the way home. The river was peaceful and Kamili always hoped that she would see the hippopotamus she had seen the previous year with her Papa. She had named it Bobo and secretly prayed that he would return to her little river. The walk to the river seemed longer this particular morning and the air felt damper than usual. Kamili had a feeling it would rain so she grabbed Fumu's hand and they ran as fast their little legs could go.

When they got to the river, Kamili screamed and covered Fumu's face. The hippopotamus was dead by the riverbank, blood oozing from his back and neck. Hot tears streamed down Kamili's dry cheeks. Fumu sank to the ground and began crying for his Mama. Kamili told Fumu to start filling the jugs with water. They needed to hurry. She'd already felt a few raindrops on the tip of her nose.

As Fumu was gathering water, Kamili slowly approached Bobo. She was sure it was him. She could feel it in her bones. She knelt down beside him. " I wish we could have become friends Mr. Bobo. Who did this to you?" Kamili looked up at the sky and as she predicted, the rain grew heavier. There was very little time left for them to get back to the village. All of a sudden, Kamili felt Bobo move. She gasped. Bobo was looking right at her. A little tear seemed to roll down his face. And then he spoke to Kamili: "Little Kamili. I am sorry that I have not been here more often as you would have liked but you see, I was protecting your village from the bad men that live in the woods. They are killers and thieves and I have been successful in my endeavor until now. Today, I decided to rest for a little while and come down to the river for a swim. They were already here and shot me many times. Little Kamili, I am sorry I have let you down. I have tried to protect every day but my time has come. You must protect yourself now. Take you brother and go back to the village. The bad men are going there now. You have to hurry. May the sun always guide you by day and the moon by night, Little Kamili." Bobo's eyes slowly closed and he was gone.

Kamili began to shiver with fright and called out to Fumu. She told him to forget the jugs and they raced back to their village. By the time they got there, the rain was coming down in sheets and the road was muddy and slippery. What Kamili saw in the center of her beloved village would never leave her mind, even to this day. Her parents were dead. Shot in front of their home. Their hut had been burned to the ground. Fumu started running for his parents but Kamili grabbed him and forced him to go hide in the forest.

After hiding in caves and in the trees for two days, Kamili and Fumu found a refugee camp by chance. Her little life in Abala was over. Her parents were no more. But she knew she had to stay hopeful. Afterall, Bobo the hippopotamus had spoken to her. She wondered if she was the only this magical moment had happened to. She closed her eyes and hugged her little brother that night, and told herself she would always let the sun and the moon be her guides.

This is what goes on every day in Central Africa. This is my rendition of life in war torn countries. So be thankful this holiday season. Cherish what you have because in the blink of an eye it could vanish. Smile. Love. Give. Be open. My prayers go out to all those who only have hope to keep them warm at night.
Till next time...

NIMBLE TONGUES

Language seems to have lost its true sense and words are spoken with a second thought to what they truly mean. Is this because nobody reads anymore? Possibly, since television, video games and audio books have taken over what should be a staple in our lives. Words are more powerful than you think and spurting out easy words with no meaning or action attached to them is a twice told fool's tale of moronic incapabilities. Mean what you say because when you're on the other end of someone's pie hole you expect them to act accordingly to the proper verbiage they've chosen. Whether you're playing bridge with a hooker in Bangkok or seducing the pool boy, we have a right to believe what we're told instead of living a life of paranoia and doubt. Mel Gibson will not come to your rescue on this one.

"Thank you" Remember that one? Where are your manners? Unless you were raised by a pack of hyenas then you should be slapped across the head with a crock pot for forgetting these tiny words. The Napoleon syndrome has expired. Its shelf life is over. If Bette Davis caught you being ungrateful she would throw her whiskey in your face and demolish you under thirty seconds with her words, which I guarantee you she actually means.

"I forgive you" Are you a member of the Catholic church? Unless you enjoy killing people because you've been brainwashed into believing your neighbor should be murdered because he reads Stephen King, then you have no business judging others or deciding whether or not they've been punished enough. Tolerance is mandatory and if you can't handle it then I suggest you read "The Crucible" and throw your pride down the drain once in a while.

"I love you" My favorite! Nowadays, no one knows if they're loved or actually despised. With all the plotting and trickery amongst us who knows if you're living with Jekyll and Hide. Are you loved because of all the squats you've been doing at the gym or your bank account? I bet they mean it when they say "I love you" in Kenya. Maybe we should all live in huts where belongings and "nice racks" are a thing of the past and see who really loves you then. When all you have are some fava beans and chianti.

" I was wrong" Well, if you pushed your Aunt Myrtle down the stairs because she bought Legos instead of Nintendo for Christmas then of course you're wrong. It's not her fault you've decided to become a sociopath in the making.It will not be the death of you if you stop talking so much and listen more often. Your opinion and the action sometimes attached to it may only make sense to you and Charles Manson. So, go tell your girlfriend you're sorry and that you were wrong for cooking her poodle for dinner. Don't worry. I'm sure prison is homier then they portray it to be on "Prison Break."

" You are beautiful" Verbal seduction is the way to a woman's heart. I've said it time and time again. Make love to a woman's ears and you will be baffled with the results. Do you want a girlfriend who wears sweatpants all day and watches reruns of "Taxicab Confessions" because that's exciting as it gets for her ears? Speak up. Silence is not golden in this area and trust me, a dry slip n' slide is agonizing.

"I'm here for you" One would hope, except when the turnips hit the fan most people run for the closest bar, even the ones that are frequented by a potential axe murderer by the name of Larry playing darts alone. It's better to get chopped up then listening to some schmuck's problems, right? Funnily enough, when our little fairytale comes screeching to a halt and turns into a scene from "Aliens", we want the world to shriek with us and hold our hand. Sorry to burst your bubble of self-importance, but the day you put someone else before your pockmarked ego then Lana Turner will pay you a visit you won't forget. I guarantee your bell will be ringing ore than twice, if you catch my drift.

Some things are better left unsaid but others should be shouted from rooftops and heart-shaped jacuzzis. An agile tongue is worth a thousand "Taxicab Confessions".

Till next time...