LETTER TO A CONFINED WOMAN

Dear Jane Eyre,

Although I appreciate your morals and discipline, I have to tell you that you awaken in me a violent need to slap you repeatedly. I wouldn't want you to think me a brute, so I will therefore explain my somewhat bitter opinion of you.
First of all, I thought you were a wonderful child, full of sound and fury, never letting anyone step on your toes or belittle you. Fine attribute that every child should posses. Well done indeed. Your education was quite frankly a nightmare and as we all know surviving an all girl's boarding school in England could only be compared to an evening with Jack the Ripper. You finished school quite the young lady, even though you were humiliated, lost your best friend and beaten. At this point, you are as brave as Conan the barbarian in spirit and vigor.
I begin to get agitated with you when you begin working as a governess at Thornfield Hall. Your employer, Edward Rochester, is a mysterious man and could even be compared to the "Beast" in Disney's fairytale. Rochester is a little frightening, I'll give you that, but he teases and flirts with you in such a romantic way that your dress should have been flung into the fire upon your first encounter with him. Well, not in the forest but when he invites you to sit with him by the fire and is clearly, as we would say today, "really f###ing into you." I don't care that religion, status symbols and the rules of society have been your bread and butter until now. You're supposed to be a strong, independent woman Jane!! You've had to fight all your life and now the undeniably sexy and verbally arousing Rochester wants to see you in your knickers and you play hard to get for the entire story. And in Hollywood's latest version of your tale, you immediately succumb to Rochester's undeniable longing for you, especially when it's being played by Michael Fassbender young lady!!
Yes, you're not a damsel in distress and you want to be true to yourself but even the trees and sheep outside are aware of his steadfast desire and love for you Plain Jane. Someone should have given you the Marquis de Sade to read. That would have been far more educational and beneficial than drawing portraits alone by the window or lonely walks in the rain. You must be a sadist somewhere, my dear.
And then you get jealous, in a composed manner of course, when he has female guests at his home. What do you expect? He's desperately trying to get a reaction out of that somewhat frigid mind of yours. You're so confident and pleased with your unshakeable poise buy you don't know how to live.
I love you Jane. I really do. You're a credit to your race, as Woody would say but loosen your imaginary emotional corset. You seemed pale, at least that's how they've portrayed you onscreen, during your quest. You should have drank more wine and frolicked around Thornfield Hall in the nude, teasing your darling Rochester until he was begging for your flesh. You should have shocked the staff with your bare assets and Jane.... allowing desire to crawl up your leg will give your cheeks the natural flush they so obviously seemed to crave.

Best Regards,
A Very Irritated French Woman

ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT

Have you ever felt a certain way in relationships but after rummaging your brain for the right word were left unsatisfied? It's almost like reminiscing about a hearty meal at Taco Bell? You're left alone, in pain and in dire need of emergency services. Well, ladies and gents of this uncivilized Western world, there are actually words for these fleeting emotions that visit us from time to time, except they're in a different language. The foreigners do seem to be a notch above us when it comes to matters of the heart.

Yuanfen (Chinese) is a relationship which has been brought together by fate or destiny. Principles of predetermination are very important in Chinese culture. Jack and Rose from "Titanic" are examples of this complex concept. They were destined to be together, star-crossed lovers like Romeo and Juliet...except they pretty much all die at the end. If it feels like fate, should we run for the hills? Would it be safer to hibernate in a lion's den then to let cupid shoot his arrow at us?

Cafune (Portuguese) means to run one's fingers through someone's hair. When was the last time anyone did this? In a romantic comedy starring Julia Roberts? A hundred years ago when chivalry was still a popular attribute? It's a nice thought but this gesture is so rare, maybe in hotter, tropical climates it's common. The sun does make one mushy-minded and we tend to ingest too much alcohol and forget our inhibitions...perhaps it's time for a vacation. A desired gesture unless it's the serial killer you've let into your boudoir and he has an ice pick or a machete down his pants. Think of it as a Kinder's surprise.

Retrouvailles (French) is the happiness of meeting again after a long time. The French live to eat, drink, go on vacation or strike and have sex. Meeting someone of the opposite sex, unless it's a pimply Uncle or a hairy, opinionated grandmother, usually means you will be pouring Bordeaux down each other's throats and rolling around in your birthday suits at the Esmerelda Hotel (one of Paris's best kept secrets I might add). I think the last time I saw any of this going on was in "Love Actually" and that was... I can't recall when that was. I must have been at the Esmerelda when that came out in theaters.

La Douleur Exquise (French)..aaah, again the French have come to our rescue. This means the heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can't have. A favorite pastime for most, I think. Wanting what we can't have and then once we get it are indubitably disappointed and bored. Like the time you wanted to marry Sasha the stripper, fast forward one year later and you're the one who's barefoot and pregnant in the cell next to Hannibal Lector. How nice it is to be a sadist sometimes? In this case, love is blind and for the wrong reasons, or else you wouldn't be being spoon fed by a pissed off nurse. But you get what you pay for, at least that's what they say.

Koi No Yokan (Japanese) is the little butterflies you get when you know you will fall in love with someone. This is by far the most prosperous time in a relationship since you haven't slept together yet...make them sweat a little before you serve dinner people. Everyone has stars in their eyes and daydreams about the other, anticipating the moment when their bodies will come together, in both senses. A magical time unless you're Forest Whitaker in "The Crying Game" and Boy George is whispering sweet nothings in your ear. Go with the flow or jump out the window? Who knows, one zipper being lowered could make you discover all kinds of interesting things about yourself.

Ya'aburnee (Arabic) is a declaration of one's hope that they'll die before their loved one. This seems to be a popular one except the other way around. Wives seem to really enjoy putting arsenic or other innocent household items masquerading as cleaning products in their husband's dinner. Unless you're hanging out in Tibet with a couple of monks who don't fear death, you better make your own dinner. Wouldn't want that special someone to get any funny ideas now would we?

Saudade (Portuguese) is the longing we feel for someone who is gone or lost. Wouldn't it be nice if we were decent enough to feel this without death, kidnapping or hostage situations being involved? I guess it's true when they say "you never knew what you had until it's gone." Vampires and leprechauns seem to be the only romantic heroes left. They fight for what they love most and unfortunately I don't see any frolicking around in my backyard.

Till next time...

AUDIBLE CARESSES

As you all know, if there's one thing we've learned throughout history it's that we don't learn from history. The same old trials and tribulations are encountered over and over like a blinking neon sign in the middle of the desert. We want to change the world but make very little effort to change ourselves. We crave peace, love and understanding yet those concepts seem to lie dormant somewhere within us. It's time to invest in a flashlight and revive what many have written about. If they were still with us, this is the pudding some of my favorite people would serve.

Papa, also known as Ernest Hemingway, would tell us to forget our personal tragedies and start living!! Life is not a dress rehearsal and even though the play is badly cast take pride in knowing that there will be some applause at the end, if any. Even if it's only measly clap from a drunk one armed man in the back, take solace in knowing that you are at least seen and admired by one. Be proud of who you are and declare yourself the best at what you do and demand respect, even if a few egos have to get trampled upon along the way to Babylon. Start listening more...open your ears and stop obeying that little raspy voice inside your head which will usually point you in the wrong direction. Little voices have nothing to do with your gut. Little voices make you mistake movement with action. Breathing is not enough, even the Pope can breathe. Don't be afraid to get broken and scarred up. It means you've lived and survived. What will you have fought for when you're shuffling around your house looking for the remote or some Jello? Hopefully, it'll be worth a damn and others will remember your panache and persistence instead of your cowardly lion attributes. Get your hands dirty and play ball. Remember, "there's no crying in baseball"!!

Paulo Coehlo once wrote that "the greatest lie in the world is that at some point we lose the ability to control our lives, and become the pawns of fate." People with a "laissez-faire" attitude should be shipped to a deserted island. This type of thinking doesn't get you anywhere. Do you really believe that the universe has you on its People to Please List? I don't think so. You are in control. Idle hands, idle minds and idle hearts should really have gone out of style a long time ago. No war was won by being emotionally lazy, a favorite pastime of most I might add. Fear of failure seems to be the greatest obstacle to happiness. There are people being massacred in African villages, children dying of hunger and poverty and women being burned at the stake in one organized religion I shall not mention. And you're going to complain that "you don't want to get hurt" or "they may not like me"? Man up and start acting like a warrior, well, try not to kill anyone, but like i've always said "navel gazing" is about as interesting as golf or late night infomercials. The drama of mankind is when we sacrifice fulfillment to conformity, when we know we can achieve greatness but deny to do so, and end up living a life of void. An empty house is not a home. An empty mind is worth a bag of bones. An empty heart will sink and be neighbors with Titanic.

As Haruki Murakami so brilliantly put it: “Don't feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that.” Just remember that
once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about. Take it from me, the hustle is worth it, this dance will awaken you and before you know it "Papa" may be writing a tale about you.
Till next time...

ENOUGH ALREADY!!!

I'm always fascinated at how much we end up despising one another, as well as ourselves, simply because somewhere in that tortured mind of ours simplicity and logic seem to have gone to the pub indefinitely. Here is my humble opinion on things we need to stop doing to ourselves. Easier said than done but then again so is everything else in life, except eating chocolate, drinking fine wine and sleeping with arousing people. Anyways, I'm in a generous mood so away we go...

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people.
Why do we surround ourselves with people we don't even like? Do their opinions really matter? We tend to do this because they're attractive, they have money or you need them now or somewhere in the future. Remember that all the people we have admired throughout history couldn't have cared less what others thought of them. Winston Churchill had it right when he said, "You have enemies ? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life." The right people will want to see you succeed and prosper as a person. They won't drain you like a dishrag leaving you void of anything useful at the end of the day, except zoning out in front of reality shows. If you have the slightest doubt about someone...move on and stop wasting your time. If they're overlooking your worth then do yourself a favor and run for the hills.

2. Stop trying to buy happiness.
Aaaah, an old classic that always seems to pop up since we started deteriorating as a species, probably when power and money became daily staples. There's no mystery to this golden oldie and it'll probably never go out of style, unless aliens take over and turn us into nutcrackers. You can't go chasing happiness...this isn't a fox hunt. It's plain and simple: find someone to love, something to hope for and something to do, preferably something you don't loathe. You won't find it in a Beverly Hills mansion, or at a bar surrounded by supermodels or in a treasure chest. No matter what they're force feeding us you cannot buy happiness. Happiness is stumbled upon not chased.

3.Stop trying to be everything to everyone.
We can't please the entire world. We never will. First, we have to love ourselves, which is something some never accomplish because their vision is clouded by false hopes and dreams. Accept who you are and don't apologize for who you're not. You're not trying to sell yourself to the masses. You're not a shampoo or a mattress. Start acting like you are different and bathe in what makes you unique until your fingers get all pruny. But being something to someone, whether it's a lover, a friend or family, is a wondrous feat. If one person thinks you're as glorious as the Sistine Chapel then screw the lot of them because there's one you, one Sistine Chapel and one Michelangelo...catch my drift?

It's rainy and cold here today and I'm not trying to appeal to your intellect or wit. I'm just trying to be a friend to someone, somewhere, somehow. Don't take life for granted and every once in a while just be yourself. Forget your flaws, forget society, forget money, forget pain. Tell someone you love them, crave the beautiful and as I always say..."feed your head."
Till next time...

REMEMBER... REMEMBER...

Amidst all the chaos and noise and corruption we have forgotten why we are here. This planet is a test... well it could be. Something more powerful than us that we cannot understand made our lives here possible. The problem is that we have nothing left to hope for, to love or to work for. There's so much darkness and sadness clouding this planet that we have no idea what life is all about. Greed. Power. Envy. Anger. Hate. Discrimination. Do you even remember what a good life is? Hundreds of years ago I'd be willing to bet my life that people were much happier. Life was simple and the age of technology and corrupt leaders hadn't even been born. We find ourselves fighting a battle that doesn't have anything to do with us. Stop and think for moment. What happened to finding your soulmate? What happened to visiting new countries and learning about the world? What happened in doing a job that satisfies you creatively and mentally? These are questions that have gone down the toilet like a dead goldfish because are minds have been intoxicated with believing that they are delusions. Well they're not. They're real and if you really tried to make them happen they will. You'll need a deep cleanse of your mind, body and soul first. We're drowning in a sea of hate but the beach is right there in front of us... just a few meters away. Sadly, life has persuaded us that it's just an illusion.
That is our tragedy...

LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD

For thousands of years people have analyzed, written about and obsessed about love. From Shakespeare to Margaret Mitchell, writers and poets have have written countless stories about every kind of love under the sun. Films like Titanic or A Streetcar Named Desire have made us hope to be struck with the fire and passion that being in love brings. Songs ranging from U2's "With or Without You" to Deep Purple's "Mistreated" take us on a journey where we can feel the agony and longing that comes hand in hand with falling for someone. It doesn't matter if it's love at first sight, friendship that turns into a relationship or a passionate one night stand the results are usually the same. My question is: With all the books, music and films that describe every aspect of love, how come we are still so clueless about one of the oldest topics in history?
I think... let me re-phrase that, I know that it's because we are our own worst enemy. We don't listen to our gut instinct, which is usually right. We want immediate satisfaction and we don't want to work at anything in matters of the heart. We expect too much from others and compare them to the perfect, imaginary partner in our minds. As a child, I was madly in love with Val Kilmer in "Willow." His portrayal of Mad Martigan was my idea of the ideal man. He was a warrior, brave to the bone, dark, seductive, funny and loyal. Unfortunately, as I grew older I realized that if I set the bar at that level I would be alone forever. I had to realize that the hero in my head would only come to life in dreams or fantasies. There's no war, or poverty, or disease in our imagination. It's like our own little piece of heaven where knights in shining armors do exist.
In the real world, fear and fear alone, is why love is still nature's best kept secret because there's no book or commandments on how to find it. Love isn't perfect sex, perfect friendship or perfect minds coming together. Love is about finding an imperfect person perfectly. It's about understanding that life is the battlefield and it's better if you have someone by your side to fight the war with you. Most people run away if there's intimacy problems, financial woes or misunderstandings. They forget that for every problem there is always a solution. Self-help books aren't going to give you the golden ticket and money only buys happiness just for a moment. Love is the only thing that cannot be bought. It usually has to be earned.
People confuse love and lust on a daily basis. I've done it countless times in my life. You meet someone that you find unbelievably attractive physically and that ignites all your senses during intimacy and you think it's true love. After that, if they turn out to be the worst possible mate we make excuses for them to keep that lust alive. Wrong!! You are on dangerous territory and you won't keep your head above water for much longer.
Let me tell you a little tale: When I was eighteen, I met a man that was much older than me. I thought he was Don Juan DeMarco come to life. I longed for his presence all day long and stayed awake at night fretting about when I would see him again. Lust was the only component in this relationship that made it last as long as it did... three years to be exact. This man manipulated me to the very end and left me lifeless and sick. He was a monster. He wasn't my friend, he wasn't around when I had problems or needed him for support and he couldn't have cared less about my well-being since he got me addicted to drugs. I still believed that he was the one, forgiving all his mistakes for the one element that was strong... lust.
Do yourself a favor. Stop searching for love. Stop staying in abusive relationships with people that are practically sucking you dry like a vampire. Love is the little things. Watching a sunset together, being there when they're sick, wanting them to succeed and listening to their hopes and dreams. Fear and selfishness are incredibly difficult to extinguish but when you meet the one it won't be impossible an longer.
When it comes to love be a realist. Don't fear the unknown and recoil into your shell at the first sign of a speed bump. In that respect, be like Mad Martigan. Be brave and be bold because you may never get that chance again. True love is worth fighting for and you will have to fight for it. Anything you obtain too easily is usually misleading.
A poet once said that "It's so easy, To think about Love, To Talk about Love, To wish for Love, But it's not always easy, To recognize Love, Even when we hold it.... In our hands." Can you deal with that?
Till next time...