Thursday, December 15, 2011

ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT

Have you ever felt a certain way in relationships but after rummaging your brain for the right word were left unsatisfied? It's almost like reminiscing about a hearty meal at Taco Bell? You're left alone, in pain and in dire need of emergency services. Well, ladies and gents of this uncivilized Western world, there are actually words for these fleeting emotions that visit us from time to time, except they're in a different language. The foreigners do seem to be a notch above us when it comes to matters of the heart.

Yuanfen (Chinese) is a relationship which has been brought together by fate or destiny. Principles of predetermination are very important in Chinese culture. Jack and Rose from "Titanic" are examples of this complex concept. They were destined to be together, star-crossed lovers like Romeo and Juliet...except they pretty much all die at the end. If it feels like fate, should we run for the hills? Would it be safer to hibernate in a lion's den then to let cupid shoot his arrow at us?

Cafune (Portuguese) means to run one's fingers through someone's hair. When was the last time anyone did this? In a romantic comedy starring Julia Roberts? A hundred years ago when chivalry was still a popular attribute? It's a nice thought but this gesture is so rare, maybe in hotter, tropical climates it's common. The sun does make one mushy-minded and we tend to ingest too much alcohol and forget our inhibitions...perhaps it's time for a vacation. A desired gesture unless it's the serial killer you've let into your boudoir and he has an ice pick or a machete down his pants. Think of it as a Kinder's surprise.

Retrouvailles (French) is the happiness of meeting again after a long time. The French live to eat, drink, go on vacation or strike and have sex. Meeting someone of the opposite sex, unless it's a pimply Uncle or a hairy, opinionated grandmother, usually means you will be pouring Bordeaux down each other's throats and rolling around in your birthday suits at the Esmerelda Hotel (one of Paris's best kept secrets I might add). I think the last time I saw any of this going on was in "Love Actually" and that was... I can't recall when that was. I must have been at the Esmerelda when that came out in theaters.

La Douleur Exquise (French)..aaah, again the French have come to our rescue. This means the heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can't have. A favorite pastime for most, I think. Wanting what we can't have and then once we get it are indubitably disappointed and bored. Like the time you wanted to marry Sasha the stripper, fast forward one year later and you're the one who's barefoot and pregnant in the cell next to Hannibal Lector. How nice it is to be a sadist sometimes? In this case, love is blind and for the wrong reasons, or else you wouldn't be being spoon fed by a pissed off nurse. But you get what you pay for, at least that's what they say.

Koi No Yokan (Japanese) is the little butterflies you get when you know you will fall in love with someone. This is by far the most prosperous time in a relationship since you haven't slept together yet...make them sweat a little before you serve dinner people. Everyone has stars in their eyes and daydreams about the other, anticipating the moment when their bodies will come together, in both senses. A magical time unless you're Forest Whitaker in "The Crying Game" and Boy George is whispering sweet nothings in your ear. Go with the flow or jump out the window? Who knows, one zipper being lowered could make you discover all kinds of interesting things about yourself.

Ya'aburnee (Arabic) is a declaration of one's hope that they'll die before their loved one. This seems to be a popular one except the other way around. Wives seem to really enjoy putting arsenic or other innocent household items masquerading as cleaning products in their husband's dinner. Unless you're hanging out in Tibet with a couple of monks who don't fear death, you better make your own dinner. Wouldn't want that special someone to get any funny ideas now would we?

Saudade (Portuguese) is the longing we feel for someone who is gone or lost. Wouldn't it be nice if we were decent enough to feel this without death, kidnapping or hostage situations being involved? I guess it's true when they say "you never knew what you had until it's gone." Vampires and leprechauns seem to be the only romantic heroes left. They fight for what they love most and unfortunately I don't see any frolicking around in my backyard.

Till next time...

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