Monday, December 26, 2011

EMERGENCY SITUATION!!!

I sometimes find it amusing listening to people's complaints. To be fair, sometimes they are legitimate reasons and I don't blame them for wanting to buy devices that will induce pain and misery. We all have days when our issues seem insurmountable and we'd like to do some serious damage for our well-being. Life can be unfair and "real" problems tend to strike anyone, anywhere, anyhow. It seems to me though, that in Africa or Asia, for example, their problems do tend to be slightly more tragic than over here, in the stolen land we killed for and now call home sweet home. Tsunamis, famine, AIDS, earthquakes and war are just a few "hiccups" they deal with day in and day out. The following is an actual list of complaints that have poured out of people's mouths. Undoubtedly, I had to swoop up this marvelous list and reevaluate various disasters these innocent victims have to suffer. 1. "My hand is too fat to shove into the Pringles container so I have to tilt it." Really? Maybe someone should yank the Pringles from your greasy fingers and hit you repeatedly on the head. Laziness always astounds me. Society now relies on technology to facilitate everything for them. Remote controls, cars, computers, phones, microwaves...the list is endless. No wonder there's an obesity problem in this country. Is laying in bed surrounded by controls and screens the bright future that lies ahead? Are we destined to resemble Jabba the Hutt's relatives? Step one to dodging this horrific nightmare: get up and start walking,to the store for starters. Remember those two weird shapes protruding from your hips? Once you've accomplished that, then we'll talk. 2. "I didn't have a childhood so I can't turn my pain into art." Asshole alert! Is it really necessary to have a childhood a la Almodovar's "Bad Education" or a summer reenacting "Deliverance" with your family to be creative as an adult? Or maybe you're embarrassed of your childhood because you lived in a trailer park and your Dad was arrested for selling pills to your classmates. Either way, you should embrace or forgive the past because dwelling on what did or didn't happen is a bigger waste of time than watching "Keeping Up With the Kardashians." There's no rule that you have to suffer to be creative. I guarantee you that Edgar Allan Poe would have worked as a priest if it meant living a peaceful existence. Get over your glorification of fallen artist's misery and pain...plus maybe you're just not talented in that domain and would be better off as a baker or used car salesman. 3. "My GPS made me drive through the ghetto." Boohoo. If driving through the ghetto in your Prius is your definition of a bad day then you clearly haven't walked through the Everglades at night. If you think rundown homes and a couple gangsters in the McDonald's parking lot is inconvenient, try walking through the gator-ridden swamps and running into a one-toothed guy of questionable appearances carrying a rifle and a dead raccoon. Try that scenario on for size. What if your GPS lands you in Amish country? 4. "I can't hear the TV while I'm eating crunchy snacks." I forgot how stimulating the dialogue was in "Crank II." Since when do words have more importance than explosions and beheadings? Maybe you should stop eating for a minute or two if it's getting in the way of your education.This person should be thrown in a time machine back to the 1300's in Europe. Drawbacks like the Black Death, religious dogmas and the Hundred Years War would probably also have gotten in the way of his crunchy snacks. First World problems, I daresay. The next time you're itching to complain because Lady Gaga's music video is taking too long to load think about having the plague, while your family is getting massacred outside and Your pet chicken is screaming that the sky is falling, all in one day. What then? Till next time...

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