LETTER TO A CONFINED WOMAN

Dear Jane Eyre,

Although I appreciate your morals and discipline, I have to tell you that you awaken in me a violent need to slap you repeatedly. I wouldn't want you to think me a brute, so I will therefore explain my somewhat bitter opinion of you.
First of all, I thought you were a wonderful child, full of sound and fury, never letting anyone step on your toes or belittle you. Fine attribute that every child should posses. Well done indeed. Your education was quite frankly a nightmare and as we all know surviving an all girl's boarding school in England could only be compared to an evening with Jack the Ripper. You finished school quite the young lady, even though you were humiliated, lost your best friend and beaten. At this point, you are as brave as Conan the barbarian in spirit and vigor.
I begin to get agitated with you when you begin working as a governess at Thornfield Hall. Your employer, Edward Rochester, is a mysterious man and could even be compared to the "Beast" in Disney's fairytale. Rochester is a little frightening, I'll give you that, but he teases and flirts with you in such a romantic way that your dress should have been flung into the fire upon your first encounter with him. Well, not in the forest but when he invites you to sit with him by the fire and is clearly, as we would say today, "really f###ing into you." I don't care that religion, status symbols and the rules of society have been your bread and butter until now. You're supposed to be a strong, independent woman Jane!! You've had to fight all your life and now the undeniably sexy and verbally arousing Rochester wants to see you in your knickers and you play hard to get for the entire story. And in Hollywood's latest version of your tale, you immediately succumb to Rochester's undeniable longing for you, especially when it's being played by Michael Fassbender young lady!!
Yes, you're not a damsel in distress and you want to be true to yourself but even the trees and sheep outside are aware of his steadfast desire and love for you Plain Jane. Someone should have given you the Marquis de Sade to read. That would have been far more educational and beneficial than drawing portraits alone by the window or lonely walks in the rain. You must be a sadist somewhere, my dear.
And then you get jealous, in a composed manner of course, when he has female guests at his home. What do you expect? He's desperately trying to get a reaction out of that somewhat frigid mind of yours. You're so confident and pleased with your unshakeable poise buy you don't know how to live.
I love you Jane. I really do. You're a credit to your race, as Woody would say but loosen your imaginary emotional corset. You seemed pale, at least that's how they've portrayed you onscreen, during your quest. You should have drank more wine and frolicked around Thornfield Hall in the nude, teasing your darling Rochester until he was begging for your flesh. You should have shocked the staff with your bare assets and Jane.... allowing desire to crawl up your leg will give your cheeks the natural flush they so obviously seemed to crave.

Best Regards,
A Very Irritated French Woman

ENOUGH ALREADY!!!

I'm always fascinated at how much we end up despising one another, as well as ourselves, simply because somewhere in that tortured mind of ours simplicity and logic seem to have gone to the pub indefinitely. Here is my humble opinion on things we need to stop doing to ourselves. Easier said than done but then again so is everything else in life, except eating chocolate, drinking fine wine and sleeping with arousing people. Anyways, I'm in a generous mood so away we go...

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people.
Why do we surround ourselves with people we don't even like? Do their opinions really matter? We tend to do this because they're attractive, they have money or you need them now or somewhere in the future. Remember that all the people we have admired throughout history couldn't have cared less what others thought of them. Winston Churchill had it right when he said, "You have enemies ? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life." The right people will want to see you succeed and prosper as a person. They won't drain you like a dishrag leaving you void of anything useful at the end of the day, except zoning out in front of reality shows. If you have the slightest doubt about someone...move on and stop wasting your time. If they're overlooking your worth then do yourself a favor and run for the hills.

2. Stop trying to buy happiness.
Aaaah, an old classic that always seems to pop up since we started deteriorating as a species, probably when power and money became daily staples. There's no mystery to this golden oldie and it'll probably never go out of style, unless aliens take over and turn us into nutcrackers. You can't go chasing happiness...this isn't a fox hunt. It's plain and simple: find someone to love, something to hope for and something to do, preferably something you don't loathe. You won't find it in a Beverly Hills mansion, or at a bar surrounded by supermodels or in a treasure chest. No matter what they're force feeding us you cannot buy happiness. Happiness is stumbled upon not chased.

3.Stop trying to be everything to everyone.
We can't please the entire world. We never will. First, we have to love ourselves, which is something some never accomplish because their vision is clouded by false hopes and dreams. Accept who you are and don't apologize for who you're not. You're not trying to sell yourself to the masses. You're not a shampoo or a mattress. Start acting like you are different and bathe in what makes you unique until your fingers get all pruny. But being something to someone, whether it's a lover, a friend or family, is a wondrous feat. If one person thinks you're as glorious as the Sistine Chapel then screw the lot of them because there's one you, one Sistine Chapel and one Michelangelo...catch my drift?

It's rainy and cold here today and I'm not trying to appeal to your intellect or wit. I'm just trying to be a friend to someone, somewhere, somehow. Don't take life for granted and every once in a while just be yourself. Forget your flaws, forget society, forget money, forget pain. Tell someone you love them, crave the beautiful and as I always say..."feed your head."
Till next time...

LIBERTINE... TO BE OR NOT TO BE?

The Marquis de Sade, John Wilmot, the 2nd Earl of Rochester and Joseph Bonaparte all had something in happen. They were libertines, which means one devoid of most moral restraints, which are seen as unnecessary or undesirable. They ignore the trends that society as a whole follow and pretty much dance to their own tune. Scandals and imprisonment usually comes hand in hand with being a libertine. The Marquis de Sade used to lure young prostitutes as well as employees of both sexes back to his castle. He was later imprisoned for his writings, which combined philosophy and pornography. You see, even in the 1700's they had censorship issues and nobody was really free. Do we need the libertine philosophy to grow? I believe we do.
Sex has probably been one of the most controversial topics since men roamed the Earth. There have been so many rules telling people what they are allowed to do or say that it is still a topic that makes most very uncomfortable. A little bit of truth, obscenity and erotica never hurt anybody. Wouldn't it be nice to be free from the shackles society has bound us in. How pleasant it would be to get rid of all these unnecessary restraints. For those of you that think Jim Morrison is cooler than cool... listen up.
Here's how to join the ranks of some of the most controversial men in history.
-First, you can start off by letting go of old habits. Break free of your daily routine and and throw caution to the wind. Let's see where the day takes you.
- Embrace change. Do something you've always fantasized of doing but never mustered up enough courage to do... until now. Ask out that pretty girl you've been eyeing or go to a place that makes you feel alive.
- Follow your impulses. I don't mean drinking until you pass out because you had a bad day at work either. I mean to ignore the hesitation that takes over when you are about to experience something new. Libertines swear by this code.
- Challenge yourself, especially your judgement. Too many people spend their lives strolling easy street and obeying every single rule that comes their way. Challenge those rules every once in a while because that's how you discover new opinions. Discover new groups or activities that you find shocking and try to understand them.
- Learn about the notorious libertines of the past. Ravage their books, songs or ideas. Trust me, you'll find you you can identify with a lot more than you'd think. The parallels are endless.
- Finally, never settle for less. Never accept anything that doesn't move you. You must follow your passions in order to come to life.
Well folks... can you dig it or are you afraid? The Marquis de Sade once said: " Happiness lies neither in vice nor in virtue; but in the manner we appreciate the one and the other, and the choice we make pursuant to our individual organization." How about lighting your own fire for once?
Till next time...