Monday, June 11, 2012

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT RIDLEY...

Ladies and gentlemen, I have to announce that something absolutely tragic happened to me on Saturday night. I am still swimming in a sea of discontentment and frustration. On Saturday night, my vision, mind and sanity were severely impaired by a spectacle that could only be compared to finding out Audrey Hepburn had been in several naughty sex tapes with Mickey Rooney and Shirley Temple. I'm talking about "Prometheus." I have been the victim of much trickery and conniving ways in my life but never have I fallen so hard on my bum, too stunned to move, in such a manner. Something is terribly wrong! Mr. Ridley Scott, either you have a severe case of dementia and need to be immediately admitted to a Swedish psychiatric hospital or you simply did NOT direct this tasteless, hollow film. This is not the work of someone who brought us the legend and historical fantasy in "Gladiator", the breakthrough, science-fiction film that revolutionized cinema in "Alien"and gave us a glimpse of a future world with "Blade Runner." Sir, I am terribly worried about you. "Prometheus" is a tale of inexperienced scientists who think, due to some cave drawings and hieroglyphics, that a planet in a different galaxy holds the key to evolution. This all takes place on a spaceship that looks more like a "Transformer" and I was surprised to see Michael Fassbender twirling about on a bicycle in an unusually joyful way through the ship's corridors, instead of Shia LaBoeuf going after women who think Kenya is a type of yoga. The actors couldn't have been less excited to be part of this nightmare, especially Charlize Theron who looked like she was suffering from constipation or lack of alcohol. Noomi Rapace, the star of the film, seemed completely out of place and looked more like she was ready for wrestle mania, and although you can act Mr. Fassbender ,even your Peter O'Toole mockup of an android could not keep this film from making a chap long for hell. This was an insult to Ridley's past cinematic hits. We don't even care what happens to any of the characters. In fact, I was so bored I was longing for an alien, any alien to kill, burn, torch, fry,harass, play frisbee with or make a nutcracker out of someone...anyone! The dialogue nor the cinematography could boost this film's libido. It was in dire need of Viagra!!! Everything was out of place like a nun spending spring break in Miami. Nothing made sense and not in an "Inception" kind of way...more like in a "why do Adam Sandler's movies get shittier by the year" type of way. I won't divulge anymore but just know that it took all the strength in the world not to inject vodka into my eyeballs and pour cyanide down my ears after waiting two hours only to find out that I was robbed...financially and intellectually! Someone is tampering with our intelligence! I refuse to stand with the sheep...I declare myself the wolf...and in case life wasn't hard enough, "Prometheus" hammers that rusty nail into your head. Until next time...

4 comments:

  1. Oh! Really? It is very disappointing... I was looking forward to that film... Anyway, congratulations for your blog. I'm about to become a big fan

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  2. Keepin' it real!

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